A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (1)

We will start three article about the relationship between the married couple and their families so the reader will know the Christian foundations in the in-law relationships. Before I start I want to mention that there are  few in-laws who really honor the marriage covenant by dealing with the son in-law and daughter in-law according to the command of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Why I am writing these articles

A while ago my husband saw me shaking my head, I was annoyed, and he asked me; what is wrong? I said I was talking to a wife who is suffering from her mother in-law. I said; until when the eastern wife will suffer from her in-laws? I have to do something about this destructive behavior of the in-laws, which destroys Christian families. My husband said, then write about it and show how destructive the mother in-law can be, for if no one writes to show how wrong it is, nothing will change and the drama of the eastern wife will be repeated over and over. So I have decided to write about what the bible say about the relationship between the married couples and the family. If the biblical foundation in the Christian family is not clear to us we will have more divorce among the Coptic orthodox families. There are more than 200 thousands individuals who require a permit to get married again, that is beside the people who got divorced and do not want to be married again, the trauma of the first marriage send them off marriage totally.

The problem of the mother in-law in the eastern culture

I want to mention that the problem of the in-laws is very evident in the eastern culture and that is because the Christians are influenced by the eastern culture which is influenced by Islamic religion. They are not applying the teachings of the Bible in their lives. Unfortunately the Christians pastors do not teach what the Bible states about the first command God gave to Adam (a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.) {Ge 2:23,24} Adam was the first one to utter this spiritual law that stated that the husband and the wife are one flesh with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Our Lord Jesus Christ also said ("Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,  "and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?  "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.") {Mt 19: 4-6} please read also in {Mr 10:6-8}. The apostle Paul also mentioned this spiritual law in details in the epistle to Ephesians, chapter five. The eastern families ignore these verses, knowingly or unknowingly, God knows. It is very clear from the above verses that the purpose of God from the beginning of creation to eternity is that man should leave his father and mother and to be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. I want to clear that the Bible used ten different Hebrew words to mean [leave], all of them have other meanings as well, but when Adam uttered this verse the word leave meant a definite leave. From strong concordance, the Hebrew word that was used in this verse [relinquish, forsake, leave (destitute, off), refuse.] and when Jesus Christ uttered the word, leave in Greek, He meant also the same and even harsher than the Hebrew word. From these words we see that when Adam uttered the words that the man should leave his father and mother he meant what he said, and when Jesus said the above verse He also meant what He said, LEAVE. One of the clearest commentaries about this issue is what St. John the Chrysostom wrote in the Nicene groups, the first series, volume 13, in pages 308,309,310. In these pages St. John Chrysostom explains how God commanded the husband to leave his father and mother, who gave birth to him and brought him up, and be joined to his wife, the one he did not know well before to be one flesh with her. He explains what Paul said to be the great mystery, the relationship between the married couples becomes like the relationship between Christ and the church.

Leave and to be joined

Unless the husband leaves his father and mother there will be no joining with the wife at all for the wife will not feel she is the most important person in her husband life. She will feel there is another person between her and her husband, that is his mother. If the relationship between the mother in-law and her husband is strong one, the wife will feel that her husband is betraying her with another woman. If a husband asked his wife to express what she feels about his mother, truly and honestly, he will be shocked of what he will hear. One of the hardest things for Egyptian wives is the sick relationship between the mother in-law and her husband, for the wife should take the first place in her husband life and not his mother or his father.

I hear in counseling session stories that tells of the torment of the Egyptian wives from their mother in-law. These stories the priest will not hear of them, because the wives know what the priests will tell them. They will tell them: live in peace, she is his mother and he have to obey her and honor her, her opinion should be respected. What the priests say is totally opposite to the Bible. Every priest should honor the word of God above anything. He has to tell the husband that the Bible says that husband should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Yes there is a command that says honor your father and mother and this will be the topic of the next article to see what this command means.

One flesh

That is why we see the eastern family suffer greatly; we have a lot of dysfunctional families among us. We see a lot of problems in the eastern family because the husband and the wife, they do not feel they are one flesh. If the husband feels he is one flesh with his wife, then she will take first place in his life. if she does not feels she has the first place in his heart she will not feel they are one flesh.

The eastern family

 I want to mention that I have served with many nationalities through my years of counseling and I found that the problem with the in-laws is very evident in eastern families and it is almost non existent in the western families. The western parents are more educated than eastern parents. The western parents know very well that when one of their sons or daughters gets married, they are responsible for their lives and no one is allowed to interfere in their private affairs. If one of the parents interferes, he or she will be dealt with as psychologically unstable. The sons and daughters should not allow the parents to interfere in their affairs. In next articles I will talk about what the Bible says about the parents who do not value the sacrament of marriage.

Sacrament of marriage

I want to ask the pastors of the church the following: the church considers the marriage as one of the sacraments, why then you do not handle the family problems on the ground that husband and wife are one flesh and one unit and the in-laws should be outside this unit? Why the parents are not told to keep away from their sons and daughters new families? The sons and daughters should make their own decisions, even if they make a mistake they will learn from it.

If the wife is more important than the parents, and the wife has to submit to her husband in marriage, naturally the siblings will not have more priority than the other partner. The husband or wife that gives their parents or their sibling priority over their partner should not be called Christians for they do not follow the teachings of the Bible.

True story

A husband told me this tragic and yet funny story; he said: when they were laying the foundation for a church in Sydney, the priest told his congregation, if any one has a prayer request please write it so we can place the request in the cement, as a form of having your prayer to be in the church all the time.  He went on to say; I sat in the car and wrote a letter of five pages to describe my pain and agony caused by my mother in-law and my wife. It is worth noting that the wife and mother in-law go to church and take communion regularly. This husband was heart broken because of the horrible mistreatment he received from his mother in-law. He used to complain to the priest of the church so he may intervene in the matter, but it was in vain. The priest did not take any action against the wife,  and mother in-law because the mother in-law had many children in the church and the husband had no relatives in Australia. Was the attitude of this priest according to the Bible’s teachings? He ought to judge according to the Word of God. We believe that the Orthodox Church is one of the richest in the world in the fundamentals of Christian marriage, for the church believes that the marriage is a sacrament. I wish that everyone who calls himself a true Copt realizes this truth and applies it in his life and teach it to others.

We will continue this important topic that affects the Christian families and can destroy them. We will talk about what it means to honor our parents? Do we obey them, meet their needs, or just respect them? Please follow these articles