choosing your partner (2)

The importance of love

In the previous article we talked about the importance of God’s will in marriage, and I explained the risk we take when we choose our own will ahead of God’s. In doing this we will risk having a peaceful life in our marriage. In this article we will talk about the importance of love between the married couple or at least approval for each other, for marriage without love between the couple is unbearable. One of the best examples of love in the Bible is the story of Jacob and Rachel for whom he served her father for fourteen years to marry her. Seven years before marriage and seven after marriage.

What is love?

Marriage without love is like food without salt or sugar. If there is no love between the married couple life will be very difficult and miserable. The following verses describe what love is "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fail" {1Cor13: 4-8}. This is love.

Can you imagine a marriage without these glorious qualities that Saint Paul mentioned in this Epistle? I can assure you that marriage is doomed to be a series of problems without some of these qualities. Imagine a life which is void of long suffering and kindness. Life full of envy, each partner envies the other for the blessing he or she received from our Lord Jesus. Life in which partners behave rudely and boast about what God has given them. Life full of selfishness as each partner seeks his or her own benefit. Life like that is full of insult and anger, it thinks evil and rejoices when the partner falls into sin. Life like that does not bear all things, believes all things, life void of hopes and patience.

Negative characters

Marriage with all these problems may be impossible, but there are marriages with at least some of these problems. Let us consider a marriage with three of these problems, and let us imagine the terrible life the partner may have.

anger

Imagine if one of the partners provokes the other and as a result of that there is anger in the family, which would eventually lead to insult. And as time goes by insult will lead to cursing and swearing. This will leave a mark on the other person, wife or husband. Some of this anger episode can be very damaging when it leads to physical abuse [normally the husband is the abuser but I have heard of some wives who have abused their husbands to either defend themselves or to attack] the most common abusers are men and that can lead to the police. In such cases a marriage like that will take longer to repair.

Selfishness

Another problem is selfishness "does not seek its own". Selfishness is very common in a marriage where one of the couples seek his own benefit and not his/her partner's. The Bible has commanded the husband to love his wife "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." {Eph 5:28, 29} and also "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." {Co l3:19} seeking your own benefit is against God’s commandments to the husbands.

As for the wife the Bible has commanded her to submit to her husband and to respect him "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." {Col 3:18} and also "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body." {Eph 5: 22,23} and "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." {Eph 5:33} selfishness is against God’s command for the wife, for the selfish person does not respect others.

Thinking  evil

A third problem is that love thinks no evil. Thinking evil of others is one of the worst problems between a husband and his wife, where they should be one flesh after marriage and not two anymore. Thinking evil of your spouse means you doubt or you do not trust your spouse that he or she behaves in the right way. They do not say the truth or do the right thing. Thinking evil of your friends is bad enough how much more between the husband and the wife, who should be one after marriage.

Unfortunately, many marriages are full of these negativities which are caused by lack of love, that is why we see at least 50% of marriages in the West end up in divorce and it would have been more in our culture if getting divorce was easier in the church especially now where the whole world become so connected with the internet and the satellite TV. This is all because of lack of love in the relationships.

The importance of love in the married life

It is utterly risky to start a marriage without love between the couples and worst yet if there is no approval to start with because of the pressure from families for whatever reasons. Some may say love will come later; the truth is, it may or may not come, that is the risk. It is a must to have feelings and love when choosing a partner because lack of emotion between the partners will cause life to be dry, void of forgiveness and full of resentment. Anyone who has a relationship with this couple will suffer and the children will suffer the most. We all know some example of this kind of a marriage.

Many marriages lack the element of love yet are expected to survive peacefully, this is impossible for love did not exist from the beginning. In such marriages the couples feel alienated from one another, for they were deprived from a simple privilege and that is choosing their partner. In this case they will walk in opposite directions to each other for the lack of love. They could be different personality but if there was love they would live in peace.

What is the solution?

 If there was no love between the couple before marriage then they would have to work hard to cultivate love after marriage. This is a repeated problem between couples, i.e. the lack of love. I have heard this problem over and over again in counseling. My advice is the following: if you want to harvest wheat, you have to plant wheat. If you want love, you have to plant love. The husband and the wife who suffers from lack of love have to plant love in the life of the other person. You have to have patience (be patient) to sow love and wait until you see the results. A true feeling that comes from the heart will reach the heart, no doubt in that. Remember when a child tells you; I love you, you believe him/her and you will hug him and tells him I love you too for he was truthful in his feelings.

When the wife or the husband expresses her or his feelings to the other, this love will reach the heart of the other partner, if it comes from the heart.

God has commanded the man to love his wife and has commanded the woman to respect her husband. The following verse will encourage both the husband and the wife to pursue peace in their marriage "that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." {Heb 6:12} This is a very important spiritual principal that is if you want to obtain one of God’s promises of blessings in any area of your life, including your marriage, you have to embrace these two fundamentals:

 

1- Faith; you have to trust our Lord Jesus Christ that He hears and answers the prayers that comes out of a pure godly heart "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." {Jam 5:16} Jesus Christ will never ignore the prayers of the righteous. Some may say but I am not a righteous persons. I say this; that Jesus Christ has justified you and made you righteous with His blood if you are a child of God, all what is required from you to read His Word and obey it as is and His grace will be sufficient for you for it will sustain and establish you.

 

2- Patience: you must be patient in your prayer and expect the salvation of the Lord. I like to give you this illustration: if you want to plant a seed and see fruit; you have to be patient until it grows. It will take seeding for few years before you can see any fruits.  Please be patient in your prayers for our good God will hear and will answer you in due time.

Pray carefully about your decision to get married; do not be hasty in this decision. If you do not have the divine love in your heart for the other partner do not make the decision. Love between the couple is an important foundation for a strong marriage.

I will give this example: a man proposed to a young lady whom I know, in my opinion I thought he was a good person but she had a different opinion and to convince me that he was not the best for her she said "I do not love him". Then I said "if you do not love him, do not marry him for one of the most important signs in marriage is that; at least you approve of him". I suggested that we pray for a week and seek the will of God and if she didn't feel she love him then not to marry that person. She called me after a week and said “I love him” so I congratulated her. Now they have been married for few years and she feels that was the will of God.

Having love between the husband and wife is one of the essential foundations in marriage.

The next time we will talk about the importance of understanding and compatibility between the couples…. To be continued